i've been doing a lot of thinking lately and i've decided to start a blog. it's mostly for me to record down what i'm feeling as most of my emotions tend to be really fleeting, if you're here then i guess i trust you enough to let you read this or you found this by accident. either way, try not to mention whatever i say here to me so you spare us both an awkward conversation. (i mean if you want to go ahead i'm completely fine talking about things)
this year has been quite a shitty one so far, no matter how hard i try to deny it. not only have commitments stepped up, work has increased two to threefold. yet i'm still as lazy as ever and i hate myself for being so.
i've also found myself becoming someone i dislike? i've found myself becoming increasingly bitchy, for lack of a better word. i've been snapping more at people and just more irritable in general and i'm not too sure why. maybe it's because i'm tired, maybe because it's who i really am inside (i hope not). i'm not really sure what i'm doing any more and sometimes being cheerful doesn't quite cut it. the atmosphere everywhere in school is extremely tense and i've found myself scared to speak up for fear of getting judged or despised.
i'm not quite sure whether it's me who's gotten more annoying like some people have said or whether everyone's gotten more uptight, but the fact is that it's hard to cope, being a naturally loud person. of course i enjoy my hthts or just conversation with another person alone but in a group setting i just revert to being loud unless someone else is. i don't even know what i'm saying any more. i guess i'll just try to be more aware of the situations i'm in like some people have told me. but there's always this nagging doubt somewhere that people are changing too fast and it's not me - i've always been this way. i feel perfectly fine with some people and i really enjoy their company all the time - i never feel upset. but these people are rare and i've found myself questioning my friendship decisions more than once for people whom i once thought i'd never have to do so.
i feel like the world is changing too fast and i just can't keep up. maybe one day i'll just stop trying. everyday i have this fear that one day i'll go overboard doing something and everyone would hate me but i just can't stop myself from being me.
i'm not even sure what the purpose of this post is? just ranting i guess? i wouldn't think i'd ever have a blog again. maybe this will be the only post but you can't deny that jc really does change people, huh?
